I recently had the pleasure of observing the similarities between a badly bruised man and the all too familiar service provided by our fast food restaurants. This man had been badly bruised both by woman and by war, leaving him as overdone as a bucket of KFC.
I've known Jake for almost a year now. When I met him I thought I had hit my own personal jackpot. He was sweet, passionate, and a pleasure to gaze at. He was the midnight McDonald's Value Meal of late night commercial breaks, tempting me to throw diet to the wind and indulge in naughty nocturnal gluttony. Unfortunately he was set to leave for Iraq in just two weeks after our first meeting. The first week and a half were great. He showed up to surprise me with sweet kisses, and even wanted me to meet his dad, in town for the weekend. That probably should have been the first sign. It's one thing for Carl's Jr. to hook you up with a Six-Dollar Burger, but a whole different story when he wants to introduce you to Big Carl and Momma. On approximately day 14 of our tryst he went M.I.A. I thought it was weird, but figured he was gearing up to go over seas. In the days before he left I received no form of communication.
Weeks went by, still nothing. Then one day I got an email. It was Jake, and he was acting like nothing had happened. It threw me through a loop. It gave me an unwary feeling that I had hallucinated everything, and was therefore the Crazy Chick. We had met right before he left, and so there was little commitment to be made. We emailed back and forth a couple times a week. Talked about what was going on with work and our lives. It was fun having a pen pal.
After three months of his absence, Jake returned. He called me the moment he got back and said he wanted to see me. I told him I had plans for dinner with my friend and her boyfriend, and invited him to come along. My stomach was growling out of nerves and hunger as he rang my apartment that night. He walked in and I introduced him to my friends, and I was reminded of what drew me to him in the first place. Wit, charm and class dripping from his demeanor like special sauce. I swear, any man that can keep up with me is a keeper! We left my place and headed by foot to my favorite sushi restaurant downtown. The warm breeze and lights lining the skyscrapers provided a comfortable and easing feeling walking down the street. Over dinner laughter filled the table as we gorged ourselves on delicious food and sake. Yellowtail sashimi with thinly sliced mango and jalapeno. Topped with a drizzle of chili sauce, Hawaiian sea salt, lime and fresh cilantro. It is heaven in a bite. Smooth, sweet, salty, spicy. It embodies ecstasy, and fits neatly in the mouth in one bite. It was a fabulous meal full of rekindled passion, great friends and decadent flavors.
I went to the rest room with my friend to have a quick girl gossip session. When we returned the boys were having an after dinner cocktail, and the bill was paid. My comment about the bill was shot down by a gentlemanly, "We got it". After dinner we decided to take a stroll around to walk off our evening of mastication. It was sweet and perfect as we walked toward the street fair, mariachi music blaring through the night air. Once we had enough, maybe even a little too much, we decided to go home and call it a night. I was completely exhausted. Jake walked me up to my door and gave me kiss full of intensity and urgency. I explained that I should head in after our brief escapade of osculation. He asked insistently to come in "for a nightcap". I knew what kind of cap he was talking about, and it wasn't the kind you put on your head. I explained that I had to get up early to prepare for a party I was throwing the next day. I invited him to come, he accepted, and we said goodnight.
I wasn't terribly surprised the next day when I didn't hear from him. Figured he was probably sleeping off the time change. Three days passed before I received a text from him. It said "hey chica, don't forget you own me fifty bucks from dinner the other night:)". Are you freaking serious? I was shocked. I don't rip off the Monopoly square at Mickey D's and win a free combo only to learn later that I actually owe them for the fries! I personally have no problem paying for myself, or anyone else, but this was just plain crazy to me. Because I didn't sleep with you, you automatically get a refund from our date? This isn't Costco, I don't care if you still have your receipt! That must be some set he has to pull something like that. Who does he think he is?
Weeks later, with no communication, I ran into him at a concert. I was completely cordial, at first. A group of our mutual friends sat around a big picnic table talking about the show, Jake wrapped up in a side conversation. Suddenly he stood up and announced, "And she didn't even suck me off". I lost it. I got up and left immediately, vowing to never speak to him again. What a freaking douche bag!!!!
Months went by, days littered with apologetic messages. He said he had made a huge mistake, he was an ass and that he shouldn't drink. I had lost all respect and attraction for this man, but unfortunately I'm a chump for a pity party. I forgave him, but explained we could only be friends from there on out. I never hung out with him one on one again. He came to a couple of my parties, but they were few and far between.
Jake appeared to be back to the normal and the non bi-polar person I had grown to know and avoid. He came out with a group of mutual friends one Friday, and we all had a blast. Jake said he had concert tickets to a show the next night and asked if I wanted to go with him and some friends. The concert was great. Lots of energy, good music and great views of drug induced dance moves. We all talked about how great the show was as we headed back to his friends apartment afterwards and when we got there I stepped out on the patio for a quick smoke. I returned from my sleepy-time cigarette to find Jake passed out on the couch. I tried vigorously to wake him, a daunting task to perform. Finally, the ogre awakened. Forseeing one of his fierce moods on the horizon, I explained that I wanted to go home. He stumbled around, gathering what was left of his intoxicated reflexes. I told him I would drive because he was tired and clearly seeing double. He looked at me, said "f**k you", and walked out. So here I am, giving a person chance after chance, only to be left at a near stranger's house in the middle of Dallas, in the middle of the night, with a dead phone? Douche bag.
The moral of the story: don't give too many chances. If that burger from Jack in the Box left you high and dry with intestinal digestive issues last week, don't eat it because it will do it again. If you are like me you might try to tell yourself regularly to give it up, and you probably do for quality periods of time. But when you have a moment of weakness and start pulling up to the grease pit, just remember this. Instant gratification is just that. Only for an instant. Whether you seek to fulfill that craving with food or with men, the outcome will be the same. What fast food and discourteous men do to our body and the way we feel after the buzz is gone, is not so gratifying. We feel fat and pathetic. Fast food and men can both leave us feeling this way. So try to eat things you are proud of. Feast upon things that are worth it, and conducive to your happiness. Smile and enjoy that burger. Just be sure to know when to call it quits. The last bite is usually the one that puts us over the edge.
The Fast Food Burger:
Ingredients
1 pound ground beef, 80 percent lean
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 slices American cheese
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup sour cream
1 tablespoon mayonnaise
4 hamburger buns
1/4 head iceberg lettuce, shredded
2 dill pickles, sliced
Directions
Shape into 4 patties and season with salt and pepper(Don't be afraid to salt. Test batch a small amount by frying a table spoon in a pan for 3-4 minutes over low heat. Add more salt if needed). Place in a skillet that has been sprayed with nonstick cooking spray over medium-high and cook patties 3 minutes on each side. In the last minute of cooking, top the meat patties with cheese so it will melt.
In a small bowl, mix together the ketchup, sour cream and mayonnaise and spread half onto the hamburger buns and reserve the leftover for a dipping sauce for the French Fries. Place the burgers on buns and top with lettuce and pickles.
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