Butter me up, baby

Some men toe the fine line between showing disinterest and showing too much interest. Some men come across as overwhelmingly desperate, calling three times a day to "check in" and showing up unannounced on Girls' Night. Still other men play it distant - so distant in fact that you can't tell if he even remembers the amazing conversation that you had, or the way you seemed to have blended so well that night. Maybe these guys just aren't interested? That's an easy enough suggestion to swallow with a nice glass of vino. Why is it though, that the next time we meet he's on me like butter on toast; so available and friendly in person that it makes it hard to melt around the room meeting new people?

This man that doesn't pick up the phone and call is like a plate of cold butter. Seemingly solid, frozen to the touch, unmovable and impenetrable, he doesn't seem to blend into anything that I'm trying to create. It takes a lot of work, some high heat, and a really sharp knife to get any flakes of attention off this cold butter man, and I wonder if it's worth the time or if I should make the switch to margarine and call it a day. It's frustrating when it doesn't spread on toast, poking holes in the whole wheat of my self confidence. It's infuriating when it lies in chunks on my waffles, a salty mouthful of fat overpowering the sweetness of my syrup. It's more than a little annoying when the pieces stand out solidly in my cookie dough, leaving the eggs, flour and sugar to circle around the floating mass. This guy could easily warm up and make my sauce glisten, but instead he just sits there all cold, greasy and glazed over, impossible to ply into anything. Should I throw it in the fire and make it melt? Should I just leave him to sit alone on the counter, hoping that one day he'll change into something I can work with?

Certain recipes call for butter to be next to frozen. Fold the cold chunks of butter into the croissant of my life, and perfectly create an airy and ever-so flaky delight. The melt-in-your-mouth crust of a pie calls for cold butter and ice water to ensure the layers fall over each other to create that desirable blend of texture. The colder the butter and the more of it I use, the flakier the layers of my pastry. This guy does fit into my pantry, but only if I stick to baking pastries and let the other chapters of my cookbook sit on the shelf. As a result, more of those pesky fat cells cling to my welcoming hips, and my heart clogs with his cholesterol contributions. So is it worth giving up the rest of the meal just to accommodate my Frozen Butter Man? Is it worth changing your life to accommodate the whims of a guy that won't make an effort to fit into your life?

No. The fact is, if an ingredient that you are considering adding to your dish isn't ready for it, then you may need to get creative and find one that is. If the butter is frozen, and you need it warm and mushy for what you have cooking, don't settle for a hard block of lard, because your dish won't be what you want it to be. On the other hand, croissants need butter to create that light and fluffy texture. They wouldn't be the same without it. So do flakey men serve a purpose? They teach us that even something cold and hard can create something light and delicious, if that's specifically what you are looking to serve. These men have vast potential, so why don't they warm up and get something cooking? Should we sit around and hope that one day he'll melt down and call? The answer is no. When shopping the aisle for ingredients or scoping the scene for a man, make sure to pick what works for your dish. Don't change your menu just because the butter is cold.


World's best Croissants:


Ingredients:
1 cup warm milk
1 tsp sugar
1 tbsp yeast
1 cup flour
3/4 cup milk at room temperature
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup sugar (second amount)
1 beaten egg
1/2 cups melted and cooled butter
4 cups flour
1 cup cold butter (second amount)
1 egg beaten with cold water for wash


Directions:

Stir warm milk and sugar together. Add yeast then let stand 10 minutes. Stir well. Add flour; beat well. Add milk, sugar and egg. Beat until smooth. Add butter; beat and set aside.
In a large mixing bowl, place the 4 cups of flour and the chilled butter. Cut butter into flour until pieces are the size of beans (not too small). Pour the liquid batter into the flour mixture; stir until moistened. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap. Refrigerate for at least 4 hours or overnight.
Remove from refrigerator. Press into a compact ball on a floured board and divide into 4 parts. Roll each into a circle 12" or 16". Cut each circle into 6 or 8 pie-shaped wedges. For each croissant, roll a wedge towards the point. Shape into a crescent and place on ungreased baking sheet. Let rise at room temperature until doubled. This could take in excess of two hours.
Brush each with egg beaten with cold water. Preheat oven to 400 F. Place croissants in oven. Lower temperature to 350 F and bake recipe croissant for 15 - 20 minutes until golden.